Jeezus-uh

Exhausted Jesus Unable To Wake Up for Ash Wednesday Mas

Following two days of Carnival celebrations, Son of God and Saviour of Humanity, Yshwa of Nazareth (known to many as Jesus Christ) was reportedly unable to wake up in time for Ash Wednesday Mas today.

According to his mother Mary (formerly known as The Virgin), she left her son sleeping on the living room couch last night and awoke this morning to find him in the same spot. She has stated that this is the 5th year in a row he has missed out on Ash Wednesday service:

“Jesus come home tired, tired yesterday and drunk as ever. I say ‘I hope you could wake up for church tomorrow, eh mister’. He spend whole Monday morning in Jouvert and coulda wake up early yesterday to go to Port-of-Spain, but couldn’t wake up for church today. I don’t know what to say about this boy again.”

The Late O’Clock News contacted his father, the Almighty Jehovah for comment:

“I am a little disappointed but I can’t be angry. I remember when I was much younger, just a few million years old, I used to party hard with the other gods. One time I had a hangover so vicious I didn’t notice an asteroid heading straight to Earth. It wiped out all the dinosaurs and I didn’t notice until the very next day. I guess you could say the planet burn down, but we was jamming still. Good times.”

After finally waking up we asked Jesus about his participation in Carnival, and the criticism that the event faces from Christians:

“I don’t know why all my followers does get on so about Carnival. If my father didn’t want us to be wining and getting on bad, he would never make so much nice bumper in all different shapes and sizes. Big bumper, small bumper, all bumper is equal in the eyes of my father. I pelt waist like an altar boy pelting rounds and the only regret I have is batting too much Puncheon.”

Asked what his favourite song for the Carnival season was Yshwa provided his answer:

“I like that song MX Prime did come out with, I eh going to lie. But yuh see that Ramsingh Sharma tune? Jerusalem just get a new village ram.”

Both the Lord and His son have assured humanity that they will not be punishing anyone for partying hard on Carnival, but warned men against wining without permission from the women who come out every year to enjoy the festival:

“We all like to get danced on, but if somebody don’t want you jamming yuh crotch in their backside then don’t do it. I give you a tool and I could take it back too.”

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One comment

  1. Hahahah, and all those Christians (Especially the hypocritical ones) will get but hurt.

    At least they’re not likely to blow up a building or take hostages or something.

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